After losing our second son at +/-20 weeks gestation, much joy, sorrow, confusion and wrestling of faith has occurred. While in the days shortly thereafter I cried hourly, and then daily and then a few times a week – through it all, I could see the hand of God giving comfort through each step and day.
I distinctly remember about two weeks after losing Enoch, just being extremely sad. I don’t know that depression is the right term being as I still had peace, but there was an overwhelming sadness for our loss. ST had encouraged me to still go to our Ladies Retreat the next week so I was getting the house ready for me to go. I went to the Chiropractor and informed her of the loss. Then had gone to the Laundromat to catch up on the bit of laundry we had.
While I was there, a gentleman, maybe late 40’s was there and looked very out of place. He circled the washing machine as if he hadn’t worked one before. Contemplating the best function. I had been using one beside his and had mentioned how to work it. Then went back to my business, just trying to get through the day, get things done, keep the kids alive and not break down before everything was taken care of.
I had the random thought that the poor preppy looking chap hadn’t much experience with this when he asked where to find the laundry soap, I had mentioned they sold some around the corner, but if he didn’t mind, he might as well just use some of mine. We got the huge thing of Arm and Hammer or some other sort of bulk laundry detergent and it might as well be used. He seemed shocked but used it and then asked how safe his clothes were to leave. Mentioning the cameras and the staff I knew there who were good, he thanked me and left.
I finished loading my machines, setting them and throwing the coins in then (I think I used two six loaders and a three that day, but its been almost 9 months now since that happened.) Then went to the car where the kids were watching a Story Keeper and sat, waiting for my timer to go off, and worked on a sewing project.
Timer went off, I went in and changed my laundry over and Lo and Behold, the same guy was walking out with his now washed laundry as I finished putting mine in the driers. I had been about to carry some stuff out when he came back in and said, “Hey, thank you so much for your help.”
“Oh! No problem!”
And he pushed something into my hand. It was a folded bill and I tried to give it back to him but he insisted and then bid me a good day, then walked off. Expecting maybe a $5 or $10 I opened up the bill and it ended up being five $20’s. I don’t know that I’ve ever had my jaw drop like that. In a daze, turning my body towards the window to look out at him as he stepped into a very nice black truck I couldn’t even mouth the words, “Thank you.” But I think he saw the astonishment on my face because he grinned like he had just had the best experience and then left. I haven’t seen him or recognized his truck once in the last nine months.
I had been rooted to the spot like a bush. I wanted to go to him, to thank him again. To tell him the loss we just experienced, the sadness I’d been feeling, the mental struggle and waves of doubt that had been flooding my way, but I couldn’t. He got my shocked face as a thank you and then multiple prayers of Gods blessing on his life for the blessing he gave me.
We didn’t need the money. But my weary soul needed the reassurance that random people out there could still bless others.
This story is one my husband reminded me of as I broke down crying tonight at 12 am, knowing we have commitments in the morning, but still staying up to listen to my fears and wrestling’s with God.
You see, before loosing Enoch, I had a very child like faith. It was very easy for me to talk with Him through the day. If you’ve followed our blog for any amount of time you will hear of how God has strengthened our faith in Him through storms, familial contention, lost souls who are just looking to use people, and the walking out of certain convictions like not going into debt. I would look at the world around me and ask God the simplest of matters, have a deep prayer life and rest assured that even in the Valley, God is still good.
Even after, I still hold to many of those, I have to wrestle with God time and again to get through the pain of this experience that He ordained. Today was the 9 month anniversary of loosing Enoch and I’ve found that on those monthly anniversaries I tend to go back through a few days of wrestling and sadness. Each time is healing, but still hard. Thankfully God has blessed me with a husband who can listen, grieve with me and remind me of the God we have.
While I hadn’t realized it was another anniversary, I had opened to Seth that I was struggling. I used to talk to God second nature about the weather, about rain and cloud coverage for events and about all sorts of random things. It was second nature. This week I realized that nature had dimmed. I had seen the heat and our Independence Day Celebration arriving and it was maybe the 10th thought of “God, it would be nice if it was like 85 degrees or less that day.” But it wasn’t asked with the same heartfelt conviction that I had actually talked to the Maker of the Wind, more of an obligatory recognition of acknowledging Him.
I told S.T. that even though I had asked Him for that, in my heart I hadn’t cared if he heard me because He was going to do whatever he wanted, anyway. -even though I have years of real “God, if its not going to disrupt your will, I really would love a cloudy day for xyz.” And God giving that cloudiness or coolness or what have you.
I told him I felt that way about this pregnancy. What was the point of asking God to protect this next baby, to keep him safe, to make it an easy pregnancy or an easy labor when He would do what He wanted anyway.
I admitted that since starting the church, I had been desperately lonely. We’ve had some men come, but no women. I still text with some of the ladies from our sending church and from other areas but its not the same. I have been loosing the muscle or strength of my faith – or maybe the joy of it? I’m honestly not sure how to describe it. I still KNOW God is good. I still KNOW He cares for people and that he went through that entire season and is still with us but in my sorrow again, it was , and still is, hard to spot through the fog and its easy to spot how He is able to work all things together for good in SOME ONE ELSE’S life. But the pain today has made it hard to reconcile.
S. T. Reminded me tonight of the story of the man at the laundromat. I had called him shortly after and told him about it and that I think I had entertained angels unawares. The man didn’t even dry his laundry, for crying out loud (that I know of)! And I had been struggling with going to the retreat because of my desire to stay with my kids and I wasn’t sure if I’d be a killjoy and I knew I’d want to shop but didn’t want to use up money we were setting aside for other things. (Our sending church is full of women who love thrifting, me being one of them!) That retreat had been such an uplifting three days for my broken heart.
I’d been telling S T. That I just wanted to find a way to get away and reset again. To pause life and get in my Bible and pray and all sorts of things, but there was no feasible way to do it that I could come up with – which means that’s not really what I need. What I needed was to remember. They say people who can’t remember their past struggle to have a vision or plan or even hope for the future. It is that remembrance that opens our eyes to all the possibilities of tomorrow.
God taking Enoch was for three groups of people. The first is to give Enoch a home in heaven without him ever having to know sin. In the words of a pastors wife who just lost their baby as well, “He is the fastest child I’ve raised for the Lord.” I have comfort that children too young to understand sin (the Apostle Paul talks about the Law and our conscience showing a body they are dead in trespasses and sins is the difference between someone who will be held accountable for their sins) have a place in heaven, especially children who never experienced this side of the womb (Job talks about this as well as King David) I know my son is in heaven and while it may seem childish or silly, I feel like I can ask God to give him a kiss for me or pass along my love for him. And I believe God does that.
The second group of people this trial was ordained for was myself and ST. This is obviously an area where I needed strengthening. Just as anyone else must go through their pivotal moment, this has been one of mine. This has shown the areas of my faith I had built upon sand and while that which was on a rock has stayed firm, though a bit battered and beaten, I am being shown areas where strengthening can happen. And S. T. Too.
The third group is anyone who comes into contact with our lives and the story of it. From believers in Christ to non believers. I forget who it is by, but I recall a quote going along the lines of “While trials strengthen us, they are given to us FOR the benefit of another person whom we might be able to give a hand to out of the miry clay.” We are able to fellowship in the suffering of other people. Beaten up, scars, and broken but mended/mending hearts alike are able to be lifted up by the working of God in this way.
And it is hard. It is painful – but painful for me. Not for Enoch. Enoch is with his uncle, great grand parents, the God who lovingly created each and every toe and finger we counted on his little lifeless body after he was born, marveling at the detail in a baby just 19 ish weeks from conception. Healing isnt in one day, in one Bible reading – I need to get with God, yes. But I also need to get back to a point where I can trust Him again. And God gives mercy and grace to those grieving and struggling. I think about the depression Elijah went through. God told him, “Here, have a snack, take a nap. You’re not alone.”
I’m reminded also of Psalm 103 where David has to tell himself to bless the Lord. He has to tell himself of Gods goodness. Of WHY he should bless the Lord, not because David DESERVED the goodness of God, but rather because God still loved him despite what Davids choices and actions have done to his Son on the cross of Calvary.
Psalm 103:1-22 KJV
Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.
[2] Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:
[3] Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;
[4] Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
[5] Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.
[6] The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.
[7] He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.
[8] The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. [9] He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.
[10] He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
[11] For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
[12] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
[13] Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.
[14] For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.
[15] As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth.
[16] For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more.
[17] But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children's children;
[18] To such as keep his covenant, and to those that remember his commandments to do them.
[19] The LORD hath prepared his throne in the heavens; and his kingdom ruleth over all.
[20] Bless the LORD, ye his angels, that excel in strength, that do his commandments, hearkening unto the voice of his word.
[21] Bless ye the LORD, all ye his hosts; ye ministers of his, that do his pleasure.
[22] Bless the LORD, all his works in all places of his dominion: bless the LORD, O my soul.
So, dear fellow laborer in Christ, as I command my soul to praise God, as He continues to heal me, I pray the revealing of my mending heart will encourage you. If you have gone through a loss and are a born again believer, just trying to find your way through the storm, clinging desperately to the hand of Christ and need another who has done the same, who has been learning how to command their soul, please reach out. I’d love to pray for you, send verses that have helped me and lend a listening ear.
And to you who may not be saved, maybe you don’t understand the PEACE that is carrying the ship of my life through the sadness and, though sadness abounds, I’d love to show you how I found access to that peace about 10 years ago and how it has radically changed my life and the lives of many many others around me. There IS peace even when we don’t deserve it. Even when we feel hopeless or lost.
As my husband reminded me, God LOVES you! You are precious to Him. He has given freedom and redemption from sin and iniquities and fills you with the very breath you breathe because he has a beautiful plan for you.
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